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Monday, May 26, 2014

"It's not you...'s me." I said to myself as I looked in the mirror.

I'm coming clean: I have issues with change. I do just find in changing situations, changing environment, etc. But when it comes to personal change, I definitely have my fair share of challenges.

Right now I am going through a "transformation" so to speak. I know I need to step it up a notch, to grow up and look the part. Too many year of complacency with tee shirts and jeans, jeans and tee shirts. I'm hiding, from nobody but me, I'd hasten to guess. Who knew that buying a new blouse today would cause me to have a major melt-down and start to crack up?

I have this obsession with's probably not very healthy. The irony? I have an obsession with clothes yet 90% of the time, I'm a mess. My socks don't match, my belt is broken, my shirt is wrinkled and my cardigan is pilled.  Oh did I forget shoes that are falling apart? It's a comfort thing and an inability or unwillingness to be uncomfy. I had to come to terms with this today. Again, a shirt from Kohl's could cause all of this introspection? I don't even LIKE Kohl's!

Deep down inside I want to be this cute little Parisian girl who can pull it all together with the toss of a scarf and the perfect bag. The reality: I've become a typical Portlander, afraid of being muddy, wet, and cold in this uber casual, uber grunge environment.

Deep down inside, I want to love the shirt, embrace the shirt, become ONE with the shirt. Seriously. It would be one little hurdle to overcome, one more baby step in the right direction. Embracing "the shirt" means I am embracing ME.

How do you deal with change? Do you run towards it with open arms or cower in the corner?

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Word of the Day: Pithy

Pithy: Concise or forcefully expressive.....or if I was a fruit, containing too MUCH pith.

Just what fruit WOULD I be??? I digress.....

That just about sums me up. I'm this whirling, churning ball of energy, full of light and heat and as I get hotter and hotter, I become pithy.....things just come out of me with the force of a chicken bone wedged in my windpipe after a successful Heimlich maneuver has been performed. Out of my way, I'm spitting fire...and maybe a few singed feathers.

I always whirl and churn and brew and stew.....I wish I could say I shoot from the hip when it comes to me stating what needs to be said but I don't. Fear of rejection maybe? Who knows...I don't. I just tend to chew on things until they are all-consuming and then BAM stand back. Did I REALLY just say that? If I had a dollar for every time I DID say that!

Modest as I USUALLY am, I must occasionally boast my few God-given talents, one of them being my wit. It was dormant for a pretty long time. Gone were the quips that came out of me as spontaneously as carbon dioxide. Everything was well thought and well planned. God-forbid I hurt anyone's feelings or tarnish their perception of me. I wasn't even quippy let alone pithy. 

It all started coming back about a year ago....the spontaneity, the quickness, the come-backs that just worked right. I took baby steps and started with quippy. I was fast, I thought on my feet let alone my toes again. Eventually I was pithy again too. The light just didn't fade away while the heat burnt itself out. Instead it spawned some kind of radioactive, scientific, explosion of neurons or something and suddenly, I became ME again, thankfully. Probably not so thankfully for the Comcast customer service rep nor the checker at Whole Foods both who had the good fortune to cross paths with me (or butt heads) today, but hey, it can't be everyone's lucky day!

I missed me. Me was sounding forced, and brow-beaten, worn down, bullied. Now me is

.....pithy......and I like pithy.

What word sums YOU up in a nutshell?

Friday, May 23, 2014

May, 2014....Resurrection...

I am resurrecting this blog. Why did I let it die such a slow, agonizing death? I practically held its head under water!

I eventually had to be honest with myself.....what the heck was I doing? Who was I trying to be? Certainly not me! I was trying to be any number of the other bloggers I follow and in the end just felt like I was stalking them, stealing bits and pieces of their creativity to use perversely as my own. I felt dirty. I felt like a thief.

It had to end somewhere. It ended almost 2 years ago to this day.

One thing I made a promise to myself NOT to do is delete the old posts. No. They deserve their place in this blog to show where I was and hopefully serve as the bridge to where I will be going. Nothing good was ever gotten without at least a little pain. These old posts are like dozens of little pin pricks reminding me not to go back. I need them. Little wounds occasionally oozing blood or not, or not, they are part of me.

I had been going through a lot up until that point....a lot of life changes. In the meantime, I've gone through more.....hey I wouldn't be alive if I wasn't! While I still find almost a teenage awkwardness with expressing myself, I am at a point where it's time to rebel and date the bad boy and try whatever way I can to gain my own attention and keep it. I can't care about you, reader. This is for my's just a cherry on top if you actually like what I have to say or even if you don't like it, KNOW what it's like to feel this way, no matter how awful. And it's chocolate drizzle on top if you actually continually tune in and follow me.

Some posts will be good, probably mostly bad,with a sprinkle here and there of the mediocre or trite. I'm not perfect and neither is my writing. But then if it went against who I was I wouldn't be fooling anyone anyway. You'd see right through it and bam...there rolls the cherry onto the sticky parlor table neglected all day by the sophomore working behind the counter. Yuck. But I would have no one to blame but me since I did nothing to stop that terrible trainwreck, did I?

It's gonna be a bumpy ride, so throw you hands up in the air, don't hold on, and roll with it, scary turns and all!